Lucid Dreaming

Posted on 12/21/2011

Here is my soliloquy
The wind carries off each and every word
To a skeleton. Suffering no more.
No promise in a land of broken ambitions
Her audience is emptiness

As the stars fade out to darkness 
No song, no melody, no spirit 
I touch and bleed, a touch of death 
A touch that rots

The tunnel of nightmares and a universe uncanny 
The ambivalence to death yet no release 
But wait. Standstill..

Do you feel it?

Hell.

Envelopes the present and pursues after death

Deafness where there was never sound 
Blindness where there was never sight 
Muteness where there was never speech

And a slip back into life

The Fear of Getting Help

Posted on 3/20/2013

I had a dream last night where I decided to call the suicide hotline. They gave me directions to a 24/7 counseling center, which I drove to… only the place was like a fast food drive-thru. The person in front of me was in a car and relating their problems to about three “counselors” behind a dark window. Then the person left and it was my turn to pull up. It almost felt like a factory line. I tried explaining my problems without sounding like I’m wasting their time… they didn’t seem interested until I mentioned the parts about wanting to die. Then their eyes widened and started writing things down on pamphlets. I’m not sure what happened after that but I think I either left or they told me to come back next week. It was weird.

Ode to an Empty Life

Posted on 12/20/2013

Distance.

Time leaves for a short while

Empty cold whirls of

a day passing

Requiem.

Cry of the woods

It’s the night of

the soul

Hollow.

Dark beats of the drum

Life pummeled down to

forget death

Bones.

Wars of my ancestors

Cycles of immanent

failures foreshadow

Purpose?

Sleep wasted duties

Colors of light and

your oracle ascending

Stop.

A jump into waves

Halt of breath to

ghosts of nothing

End.

Where All Stories Begin...

I decided to revive this blog with new content. I am now 27 years old, working part-time, and finished a few classes. After several therapy sessions, I have found that one way to channel my thoughts and emotions is through writing. I have written journal entries, cringy poems, doodles, short stories, song lyrics, and other thoughts from age 10 onward. It was a passion of mine. Once I got married and left home, I stopped writing. Life got busy. I was adjusting to a lot of changes. Only recently did I find out I am developing Hashimoto's Disease and I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. A few different medications later, I am now feeling a lot less depressed and have an interest in life again. I still get tired/burnt-out and have trouble sleeping as well, but things are starting to look a little less bleak. I am going to start out by writing some entries I had put on my tumblr blog back in college and work my way up to the present time. I feel that it's important to see how I got to where I am now in order to understand why I do the things I do. Maybe I'll learn something else about myself along the way. Some content might be triggering. Some content might inspire. Some content may just be some strange and bizarre entertainment. Though I tend to be a silent creature in the outer world, I've got a screaming monster on the inside that is trying to get out. I am a restless thinker. Some people have found me to be entertaining. Starting this blog may have been due to my manic episode. Who knows... but hopefully something beautiful can come out of this as well.

Thanks for stopping by.